Breaking And Entering (J Three)
My house
my self
so long lived in
yet still unknown to me
Everyday I exist in these rooms
this mind
this soul
but I so rarely walk through them
and explore
My domicile is often as strange to me
as to an acquaintance seeing it for the first time
I was standing in my front yard
when you once again came by
my friend
You leaned on the “No Trespassing” sign as we talked
and I suddenly noticed
it was facing the wrong way
and it appeared like a warding charm
hanging across your chest
In mid conversation
you reached out to me
speaking those silent words
“I’ve dreamed of entering
May I?”
I’ve wanted to take you
and show you around
for so long now
You’ve already seen everything in my fantasies
I was trembling as I led you onto the porch
You hesitated at the door
the charm still invisibly there
You were scared
Were you invading my peace of home?
We sat on those old boards
and discussed the intimacy
of opening your abode to another
All the past is painted on the walls
and decoration is experience
The rainbow of the rooms may be color blinding
but what you are is what you like
You left me for a moment
walking around the building
gazing into the windows
and caressing the open shutters
Bounding up the steps
you took me in your arms
and walked in
Instead of being guide
I was follower
watching you race from chamber to chamber
with passionate enthusiasm
yet overlooking nothing
No closed unopened
no heirloom untouched
no painting unadmired
Though always
with shaking hands hovering above
a different memory of my life
a different self of me
a different part of my body
you asked
“May I feel…”
“Could I look…”
“Would I hurt you if I…”
And I
in awe of your attentive consideration
and unabashed desire
could barely find my way about
It was all I had
to bring you into what had been timelessly empty
I only prayed that what you beheld
if not touching your dream
could at the very least
make you smile
and lessen the guilt you may have wrongly felt
for being in someone else’s residence
After all
I have the key
Only my word
gets you across the threshold
Suddenly we stood in the desolate hallway
embraced before the door
A very short
and very pleasant tour you said
In the awkwardness we knew would come
our togetherness separated
and you left
I stood
feeling
the ungainly repressed hostess
My terror of disappointing you
had kept me unmoving
I am still so new at opening up my dwelling
and sharing the life of me within
that I feel gangly and untried
with my own house
I should have done to you what I had lusted to
when you were wrapped in my rooms
It is not enough
to present what is my furnishings
I should have ripped down the velvet curtains
and dressed your flesh in them
But regret is like guilt
useless
I have a better than fantasy memory
and I hope you have a smile in your past
my friend
I noticed something different
in my rooms when you were there
For what seemed like the first time
my house
my home
I
was warm
March 6, 1993
Tressa Lee Breen
