Breaking And Entering (J Three)

Breaking And Entering (J Three)

My house

my self

so long lived in

yet still unknown to me

Everyday I exist in these rooms

this mind

this soul

but I so rarely walk through them

and explore

My domicile is often as strange to me

as to an acquaintance seeing it for the first time

I was standing in my front yard

when you once again came by

my friend

You leaned on the “No Trespassing” sign as we talked

and I suddenly noticed

it was facing the wrong way

and it appeared like a warding charm

hanging across your chest

In mid conversation

you reached out to me

speaking those silent words

“I’ve dreamed of entering

May I?”

I’ve wanted to take you

and show you around

for so long now

You’ve already seen everything in my fantasies

I was trembling as I led you onto the porch

You hesitated at the door

the charm still invisibly there

You were scared

Were you invading my peace of home?

We sat on those old boards

and discussed the intimacy

of opening your abode to another

All the past is painted on the walls

and decoration is experience

The rainbow of the rooms may be color blinding

but what you are is what you like

You left me for a moment

walking around the building

gazing into the windows

and caressing the open shutters

Bounding up the steps

you took me in your arms

and walked in

Instead of being guide

I was follower

watching you race from chamber to chamber

with passionate enthusiasm

yet overlooking nothing

No closed unopened

no heirloom untouched

no painting unadmired

Though always

with shaking hands hovering above

a different memory of my life

a different self of me

a different part of my body

you asked

“May I feel…”

“Could I look…”

“Would I hurt you if I…”

And I

in awe of your attentive consideration

and unabashed desire

could barely find my way about

It was all I had

to bring you into what had been timelessly empty

I only prayed that what you beheld

if not touching your dream

could at the very least

make you smile

and lessen the guilt you may have wrongly felt

for being in someone else’s residence

After all

I have the key

Only my word

gets you across the threshold

Suddenly we stood in the desolate hallway

embraced before the door

A very short

and very pleasant tour you said

In the awkwardness we knew would come

our togetherness separated

and you left

I stood

feeling

the ungainly repressed hostess

My terror of disappointing you

had kept me unmoving

I am still so new at opening up my dwelling

and sharing the life of me within

that I feel gangly and untried

with my own house

I should have done to you what I had lusted to

when you were wrapped in my rooms

It is not enough

to present what is my furnishings

I should have ripped down the velvet curtains

and dressed your flesh in them

But regret is like guilt

useless

I have a better than fantasy memory

and I hope you have a smile in your past

my friend

I noticed something different

in my rooms when you were there

For what seemed like the first time

my house

my home

I

was warm

March 6, 1993

Tressa Lee Breen